An Unnatural Fear of Teenagers?

No stranger to long-winded, pseudoscientific rants, Renee's second-latest, greatest article discusses Today's Immoral Teenager and Its Reluctance to Form Lifelong Relationships While Still a Teen.

Her article is based largely on an article entitled "Nation of Wimps", by Hara Estroff Marano. The Nation of Wimps' website explains this alleged phenomenon: "Armed with hyperconcern and microscrutiny, parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the lumps and bumps out of life for their children today. However well-intentioned, their efforts have the net effect of making kids more fragile. That may be why the young are breaking down in record numbers or staying stuck in endless adolescence.

What's more, parents are seeking status and meaning in the achievements of their children. The trouble with turning tots into trophies is that the developmental needs of the young are sacrificed to the psychological needs of adults. But the biggest problem with pushing perfection may be that it masks the real secret of success in life. As any innovator will tell you, success hinges less on getting everything right than on how you handle getting things wrong. The ultimate irony is, in a flat world you don't make kids competitive by pushing them to be perfect but by allowing them to become passionate about something that compels their interest."

I don't have much of an opinion on that article. It sounds to me like it's more someone's opinion than actual research or fact. There are parts of it I agree with it to some extent, but I don't think at all that our kids are "wimpy." There are some parents who are completely overbearing. The yuppie soccer moms and dads who micromanage their kids sports, diets, academics, music lessons, etc. And a lot of times, when those kids have their first taste of freedom (usually at college), all hell breaks loose. I've seen it happen before.

But I think those parents are relatively rare. Who has the time and money for all of the above? Most parents end up doing the best they can with what they have, and the kids turn out okay.

Frankly, I don't understand Renee's weird fear of/for the next generation. I suppose each generation has their curmudgeonly older people who live in fear of "today's youngsters with their newfangled ideas." I'm not sure what their fears are exactly, but it is probably rooted in a basic human resistance to change. (even when that change is good).

Observe Renee's paragraph, which follows an excerpt from the article she quotes:

"A popular concept is group dating for teenagers, parents think teens are safe, but it is nothing more then just hanging out with friends. Hanging out isn't learning about a person or talking to them on a personal level face to face. Something teenagers need to understand before becoming an adult. The hooking up style of non-relationships or friends with benefits has not left women feeling liberated. In fact men have all the power, because there is little to no possibility of any personal relationship developing when men and women engage in 'hanging out'. If you do get time alone, then the only expectation is casual sex. Many teenage girls could only imagine the power of choice to say, 'no, thank you', to a male peer who asks her out for coffee or lunch rather then trying push off a drunk with his pants around his knees at a co-ed sleepover. Now everything is a regrettable intoxicated hook-up, that borders in many instances date-rape, except without the actual date." [emphasis mine]

So now it appears that Renee has become the expert on teenage dating. I wonder if she has any stats to back her claims, or if this entire rant is just her opinion. If so, then she would do best to not state her opinions as common knowledge.

Especially the part about how "hanging out" in groups has given men all the power.

Well, I'm no "culturologist" or anything, but I do know that hanging out in groups is a normal part of teen psychosocial development. They are understandably less focused on forming serious monogamous relationships while still in high school, than they are with fitting in with their same-sex peers and the start of dating. I acknowledge that high school is the time people start forming lifelong friendships and relationships, but it is largely a time of social experimentation, as well. While most teens start to develop a legitimate interest in the opposite sex during high school, I would be worried if that was the main focus of my teenager's life.

I would be more worried if my teen were, in fact, in one very serious committed relationship and only spent time with that person, than if he/she were hanging out more with a group of his or her friends.

That would seem weird to me. Anyone else?

She says, "Young men and women are wimps in relationships. If teenagers understood relationships, all the causal sex would diminished dramatically because they would have a better grasp how their emotions and hormones are suppose to work together. They would stop wasting their time screwing around and find someone to love."

Renee seems to think that the teen years are the time for children (because they are still children by all mental and emotional developmental standards) to find their life partners. I don't agree with that at all. Teens are largely learning how to form relationships during this developmental stage.

When looked at from the Erickson model of stages of psychological and emotional development in children, which is largely accepted in the medical world, it would appear that all of the problems Renee mentions are part of the eight stages. One can peruse that link for a more in-depth description of each stage.

My point is, it isn't fair to hold teenagers--who are still overcoming different stages of their own emotional development--to adult relationship standards. In no way would I expect, or want, my teenaged child searching for his or her spouse in high school. Why limit oneself to your pool of high school classmates when the world is so much larger?

For example, as one website describes "Each stage is regarded by Erikson as a 'psychosocial crisis,' which arises and demands resolution before the next stage can be satisfactorily negotiated."

To be fair, Renee has valid points that I do agree with to some extent: "The larger problem is that millions of teens don't see any functional relationship behavior in their own families. Children, whose father hasn't been in the picture since they were a baby and a rotation of boyfriends by their mother. Some children seen [sic] dad walk away from the family through divorce or seen [sic] mom just think of herself when dad simply didn't make her happy anymore..."

However, her focus on her ideal family form, which I'm sure means male and female dual parent households completely leaves out gay and lesbian parents (which most of the current research has shown to be just as effective as dual heterosexual parent-headed households). I won't delve into the merits of child-rearing by gay and lesbian parents here, but her omission is predictable.

I find it disturbing that Renee, a self-ascribed feminist, focuses more on the passive "absence" of a father, yet when a female leaves a family, it is because she is actively "thinking of herself when dad didn't make her happy anymore." She implicitly places more blame and guilt on a female who leaves than the more expected/accepted scenario of a dad leaving.

What I also find disturbing is that Renee (and others) automatically assumes the worst for the millions of children that are headed by single-parent families. Give them some credit. I refuse to believe that the single reason a child turns out "bad" is because he or she was raised by his or her single mother (or father). Get real. Sometimes relationships and marriages fail against all odds. Sometimes adults make mistakes and marry the wrong person. There are always extenuating circumstances, and people are rarely just selfish assholes who choose to leave their children and spouses.

But let's not automatically discount their children's abilities to forge ahead to lead successful lives just because a "fatherhead" or "motherhead" is missing from the picture. I refuse to believe that kids are not resilient by their very nature. They are the most adaptable of all human age groups, and often make it despite their parents' mistakes, even in the worst of all scenarios.

While the two-parent household is the ideal, of course, it isn't fair to assume that it is ALWAYS in the best interest of the child for the parents to stick together. Sometimes that causes more harm than good (abuse, addiction, fighting, etc).

Let's give our single parents and our children a little more credit, instead of self-righteously declaring that they need to be "saved" from anything.